Freak
by Odette Ahiru
Summary: "Once upon a time, she thought she could fly, but reality changed her mind, and she fell from the sky." trans!Nico, fem!Nico Warning: EXTREMELY Dark


She is ten when the Hunters of Artemis take her sister from her. She longs so desperately—_oh _so desperately—to join as well, but—

"Boys aren't allowed."

—and with just those three words, she is crushed.

o-o-o

Nico doesn't want to be a boy, she never has, but no one has ever asked her what she wanted.

o-o-o

Her sister is called away on a quest to save Lady Artemis and her heart clenches with fear. If Bianca doesn't survive—she doesn't know who she'd ever be able to confide in, when (if) she has the courage to.

o-o-o

She never wanted to be a freak. In more ways than one.

o-o-o

Nico sits on the sidelines in Camp, a figurine of Aphrodite in her hands. Tilting her head to one side, her dark locks hiding her face—if _only_ they were longer—she ponders what it would be like to be a daughter of Aphrodite. As she watches them (secretly, when no one is looking) in their beautiful dresses and makeup, she feels a pang of longing and jealousy she can't explain. She hopes that Aphrodite is her mother, even if it wouldn't be the same. Aphrodite's _sons_ don't wear dresses or makeup like her daughters do. It's different.

Without warning, she feels a sudden ringing in her ears, and a shiver of dread runs through her body. She knows, she just knows, that something bad—no, _terrible,_ unspeakably terrible, has happened on the quest. She clenches the figurine so tightly it cracks. Her sister had _better_ be okay. She has to be.

o-o-o

Percy Jackson hands her a figurine of Hades, the only one she didn't have, a final gift from her sister. Her amazing, brave, stupid, _dead_ sister. Her nightmares have become reality. A scream builds in her throat but is silenced with effort. She doesn't want to break down in front of him. Besides, the skeletons that just appeared are more concerning.

She just wants to be left alone, to deal with all the things swirling around inside her head. She screams at the skeletons to _leave_, and to her shock, they do.

Percy looks amazed at her display of power, but she can't even enjoy the admiration written on his face. She is horrified at the final, absolute proof that she is not, and will never be, a child of Aphrodite like she wishes. She will never be like those girls she wants to be. She slumps in exhaustion, despair overwhelming her.

It's Percy who showed her the truth. Percy who shattered her desperate dreams. And so, she screams at him _go away leave me alone I hate you I hate you I hate you I wish you were_—

She cuts herself off, unable to say it. Because it isn't true and the look of hurt on his face hurts her as well. She turns and runs, (_coward_, her mind whispers with silent glee at her plight) runs far, far, _far_ away from Camp, from Percy. She just wants to be alone (a lie) forever (another lie) and she never wants to see Camp or Percy ever again (the biggest lie she's ever told herself).

o-o-o

Nico wanders the wilderness for a time (_like the Hunters of Artemis,_ she thinks bitterly to herself when she allows herself to feel _anything_ at all) with no aim or purpose. Somewhere along the line, she figured out how to commune with the dead, and they've been teaching her how to survive alone and (she presumes) forgotten. She tells them about herself, since they can never betray her, and it helps a little. Despite being long dead and lacking almost entirely in emotion, the dead express their sympathy for her plight. Unfortunately, no matter how many she begs for aid, none know of any solution. And so, she continues to wander, searching fruitlessly for something, anything that might help.

Sometimes, when Nico feels brave enough, she steals clothes (dresses and skirts and anything that catches her fancy). Out in the wild, there is no one to stare at her, or laugh at her, or mock her for being a freak. Out in the wild, she can be herself, at least until she catches sight of her reflection in a gentle stream and rips all her favorite clothes to shreds. The stream runs red with her blood that night (it hurts far less than the pain in her very soul).

Even alone out here, she has no peace. She wants her sister back. Surely Bianca would understand, would know a way to help her. That's what big sisters are for, isn't it?

o-o-o

In the Underworld, she can't see the sky or the stars, and she hates it with every fiber of her being. She sits by the River Styx, listening to an old man (_King Minos_, she thinks in disgust, _how low she's fallen in seeking help_) ramble on and on without pause.

There is a way to bring Bianca back, according to Minos, and it requires murder. She hates it, she doesn't want to become evil (no doubt all the demigods at Camp Half-Blood think she is, given the prejudice against her father and his children), she just wants her sister back. She can't even _summon_ Bianca like the other spirits and ghosts and _why oh why won't you help me I know you can please don't leave me I need you I need you I need you why won't you even speak to me_—

She hides her pain with a smile and a nod (the old man would have a field day if she cried in front of him, she knows he's only _helping_ her for his own purposes, she isn't stupid), and if a single tear trickles down her cheek, well, it's not like anyone would care. Not even her own sister, apparently.

o-o-o

When she sees Percy again at Geryon's ranch, her breath catches in her throat and she can't do anything but blink at him in surprise. For a fleeting moment, she wonders if they're here to kill her (a son—daughter— of Hades shouldn't be allowed to live, after all), but then again, would she really mind if they did? That's one way to reunite with Bianca.

All her thoughts stutter to a stop, however, when she notices the look of relief in Percy's (beautiful sea-green) eyes as he meets her uncertain gaze. She knows she should feel angry with him (the memory of their last meeting comes to mind), but all she feels now is a hollow sort of grief. Percy is no more at fault for Bianca's death than she herself is, she realizes. Perhaps that is why Bianca refuses to talk to her. Maybe it is _her_ fault, for not stopping her sister from joining the quest. She should have tried harder. Maybe…

Lost in her self-loathing, Nico says nothing and allows herself to be pulled into a tour of the ranch.

o-o-o

She's shocked out of her numbness when Percy brings up the exchange of souls. He _saw_ her? Her embarrassment at him seeing her when she's vulnerable causes her to lash out, to her regret—why can't she control herself around him?

Especially when he seems to care, if the concern in his eyes when she mentions King Minos is anything to go by. She wonders (faintly, with just the slightest kindling of hope deep within) if perhaps Percy—no, that's stupid. He and Annabeth go so well together, and it makes her heart tremble, as if it's about to break—no, she's above such foolish things. This can't—won't—hurt her. She won't let it.

Unfortunately, her thoughts distract her from the sudden threat Geryon makes and she doesn't draw her sword in time. Percy (damn him for getting her stupid heart racing again) jumps to her defense and makes a deal with the monster. As they leave him by the stables, he catches her eye again and once more she is struck by the concern and worry she sees there.

But—enough. She has to stop thinking about him (especially when a two-headed dog is snapping its _very_ sharp teeth at her neck), and most definitely stop thinking about how she feels when his _goddamned_ gorgeous green eyes meet her own. She has no chance, especially with the way she is now—and let's face it, the way she'll probably always be, barring a miracle—and so she should just put these dumb hopeful thoughts about Percy into a little box and seal them away. Forever.

She ignores the silent cracking of her heart (a pain worse than any she's ever felt, and she's hurt herself plenty since that first night) as best she can while Geryon drives her and Percy's friends back to the lodge, wondering if perhaps it would not be better if she had let Orthus tear her throat out.

o-o-o

Nico glares at Percy as he unties her, having defeated Geryon. So maybe she's embarrassed about having to be rescued. So what? She hates being weak and useless. The words burn.

She snaps at Percy again when he insists Bianca wouldn't want to be brought back. How would he know what her sister wanted? To her dismay, tears gather and fall as she admits brokenly that Bianca refuses to answer her call.

Only she does, because Percy's here. That fact only makes her angrier. Why can't her sister see just how much she _needs_ her?

She falters when Bianca tells her she had been hoping she would give up. She knows that her sister doesn't mean it in _that way_, that she can't know what she's going through, but it still stings. Maybe she _should_ have given up, in more ways than one.

Tears sting her cheeks in the cold night air as Bianca disappears for the last time. She hadn't been able to say anything or explain anything, not with Percy goddamn Jackson standing right there, let alone his friends and that blasted cowherd. Now she's just as lost as she was before, but no longer with anyone to turn to. Despair weighs down on her like a storm cloud.

Later that night, she does the unfathomable and prays to Lord Zeus to strike her down with a lightning bolt. The sky rumbles, but nothing happens. Apparently, even the King of the Gods scorns her too much to help her even in this. She can't help but laugh at the bitter irony of it all.

o-o-o

When Minos (that plotting snake) tells Nico that Percy and the others are in danger, she can't help but rush back into the Labyrinth. She tries to convince herself that it's just because Percy helped her out before, that she no longer has any feelings for him—her lies sound hollow even to her own ears.

It doesn't matter anyway, as it proved to be nothing more than a trap. She curses her stupidity as they bind her in chains, dragging her along the Labyrinth like a slave. They didn't even have the decency to kill her and end her suffering.

o-o-o

_Ghost Queen_, she says silently in her head as she declares herself to be the Ghost King, allowing her hated powers to swell like an overwhelming black tide, sweeping away the traitor Minos and his army of spirits back to the Underworld, where they belonged. After Bianca, she never wanted to use her powers again, but just this once, she'll make an exception—to help Percy. Damn her foolish heart.

o-o-o

"You could be accepted," Percy says. "You could have friends at camp."

She stares at him for a second before snorting. "Bullshit."

He doesn't answer, and the look in his eyes tells her all she needs to know—he doesn't even believe his own words. Hell, she can see the uneasiness in his eyes now as he looks at her. Her whole "Ghost King" thing must have unnerved him.

_Snap, snap._

Nico didn't think her heart could break any more (for surely that was the sound she heard) but if even _Percy_ of all people was scared by her powers… for a moment, far too quick (she hopes) for Percy to see, her face twists into a grimace of agony before she can control herself.

She carefully seals up her fragile emotions again behind a wall of unfeeling shadows. It doesn't matter. Her feelings don't matter. This is the way it has to be.

o-o-o

She doesn't want to go back to Camp, but Percy insists and eventually she relents. Darkly, she figures that a battle means higher chances of dying, and Zeus knows she's too cowardly to end it herself.

o-o-o

"Nico!" Percy yells.

She turns and sees the _dracaenae_ heading toward the center of the camp. She couldn't care less about the camp, or the campers (even now they look at her with distrust in their eyes), but _Percy_ does. And damn it all, she'd do anything for Percy. She gives him a nod, trying to convey all she wants to say with her eyes, but he's already turned to deal with the hellhounds attacking the satyrs.

_Well. This is it,_ she thinks. This is her chance to end her miserable existence. Reaching deep within her, she calls upon as much of her power as she is able to. Hopefully it will be enough to drain her entire being.

"Serve me."

Blackness swirls around her and her face meets the ground. She can already feel herself begin to drift away, and with a sigh of peace she closes her eyes.

o-o-o

Of course it wasn't that easy. Those damned campers had to revive her and force-feed her nectar (she tried spitting it out, she really did!). And now she has to lie and pretend she _hadn't_ actually been trying to kill herself with her powers. Great.

o-o-o

She releases Daedalus from the mortal plane without a single regret. She's too far gone for her sister to help her now, anyway. Even if she brought Bianca back, it wouldn't change a thing.

Refusing the invitations of the campers to join them at the dining pavilion (they're just being polite, insufferably so. Do they not think she can _see_ the distrust coming off of them in tangible waves?) she heads into the woods without so much as a goodbye. It's better if they (Percy) never find out, after all.

Her plan come to a screeching halt when the spirit of her sister appears unbidden before her.

o-o-o

"Please, I know what you are planning," Bianca says. "Don't do this."

She laughs bitterly. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Brother—" she flinches violently at that address, and Bianca pauses in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Don't call me _brother,_" she spits. Her fingers clench into fists. Of course even her own sister can't tell. She hides it well—too well—because who _wouldn't_ think her a freak if they knew? Hell, the campers already think her a freak because of her father and her powers.

"I don't understand," Bianca says, a worried look on her ethereal face.

She heaves a sigh. "Go, Bianca. I don't want to see you anymore." It's a lie, but when is she _not_ lying?

"No, I'm not going to let you go off and kill yourself."

Way to be blunt, sister.

"You can't stop me," Nico says with a bitter smirk on her face. "You're dead." _Soon, I will be, too._

Bianca looks away, her cheeks flushed with silver. "I'm sorry for dying and leaving you alone. I know you're mad at me, but don't do this. Please."

"You don't even know why," she says. "If you knew, you wouldn't be trying to stop me. You'd help me, even."

"Then _tell _me what's wrong!"

She brushes past the shade of her sister. "You'd never understand. I don't even know how to explain it, so just leave me alone."

The shade appears in front of her again, blocking her way. "Try me. I just want you to be happy, Nico."

"Fine. I'm a girl. And I'm killing myself because there's no way I'll ever look like one."

Nico can be blunt when she wants to be, too.

Bianca seems shocked into silence for the moment. She takes the opening to push past the shade again, continuing deeper into the forest. She doesn't want anyone to find her body, after all.

o-o-o

Several minutes pass before Bianca appears yet _again_ in front of her.

"What?" she says bitterly. "Come to laugh at me for the freak I am?"

"I wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, well, you up and left me the first chance you got. Seems like even back then you couldn't stand to be around the freak." Bitter, angry words spill from her like a tumbling waterfall.

"That's not true! I just…" Bianca trails off, looking guiltily at the ground.

"Even after you died, you didn't want to see me! I needed you, I needed someone to confide in, I needed someone to help me, I needed someone who could maybe treat me like…like…" she falls to her knees, burying her face in her hands as a sob escapes her.

Bianca doesn't respond.

She hesitantly looks up, blinking tears away, and laughs bitterly at what she sees—or rather, what she _doesn't_ see. "Even _you_ abandon me, sister? Would you even _care_ if I killed myself, or was that all just an act?"

There is no response.

"Bianca…please," she says, her voice now no more than a whisper. "Please, don't leave me alone. Not now…"

Silence.

"BIANCA!" she screams, an anguished wail. She can't believe it. Her own sister gave up on her. Abandoned her, tossed her aside like trash just when she needed her most. Tears run freely down her cheeks. She doesn't care anymore about looking weak. She _is_ weak. The words carved into her flesh (by her own hand) burn at the thought.

_Weak_

_Useless_

_Coward_

_Monster_

_**Freak**_

Hidden beneath her clothes, but always there, etched upon her skin, reminding her of the truth. Nico curls into a ball and cries herself to sleep, too _weak_ to even end her own existence.

o-o-o

Her Stygian Iron sword glows eerily in the darkness, showing her distorted reflection. She is haggard and pale, her eyes bloodshot and red, tear tracks still visible on her skin. A day has passed since she met Bianca, and she is ready. She can't take being in this insufferably _male_ body any longer. She can't deal with having no one who knows who she really is. After all, her own _sister_ chose to abandon her after being told—so who can she tell?

And…Percy. He will never love her the way she does him, she knows that. And she has no chance at all since she looks nothing like a girl. So then, why live? Why even try if your heart is shattered beyond repair?

She tightens her hold on her sword. Where should she do it? Neck (does she have the courage to slice deep enough?), heart (what if it hits her ribcage? She won't have the strength or will to stab again), or stomach (the easiest to stab, and often fatal)? She figures the thigh would work, too, if she can find the artery, but she'd rather not risk it, since her grasp on anatomy is tenuous at best (ironic, she knows). All of the choices are rather unpleasant—no one said death was easy, after all (if only).

Stomach it is, then. Closing her eyes, she aims her sword, and stabs herself with all her strength.

For a moment, Nico feels nothing but a sickening chill as the Stygian Iron blade slices with ease through her insides. She grips the hilt tighter and twists the blade within her before yanking it out in a spray of blood. And then the pain hits.

Agony. Pure, indescribable pain shoots through her, and she screams and cries. Her sword falls from her hand as she collapses on the ground, curling in on herself in a futile effort to ward off the pain. Resonating cold from the enchanted blade runs through her, mixing with the fiery burn in her guts, and she feels dizzy, lying in a pool of her own blood. The world spins around her before fading to black, but she can still feel the pain. She cries silently as she drifts away, the pain finally fading with her.

o-o-o

Nico wakes up in the Underworld as a spirit, much to her relief. The pain of dying was agony and she's grateful she won't have to go through it again. Thanks to her heritage, she is fast-tracked to the front of the line waiting at the River Styx. She catches her reflection in the murky water and almost cries in joy—she finally, _finally_ looks like a girl.

Her happiness is short-lived, however, as the ferryman, Charon, gives her a cold smirk.

"Your…father is very _displeased_ with you," he says, his dark eye sockets boring into her own. "_Tell_ me, child of Hades, do you know where the souls of those foolish demigods who commit suicide go?"

She shivers at the thought. Stupid, stupid, _stupid!_ How could she forget that when she died, she would be judged for all of her actions in life? Somehow, she doesn't think her suicide will go over well with the judges of the afterlife. Charon's darkly amused smirk at her expression seems to confirm this.

"Cat got your tongue, little girl?"

"Shut up," she mutters.

"Well, I hope whatever you were escaping from up there was worse than what is down here, otherwise, well…" he trails off meaningfully, his smirk never leaving his skull-like face.

Nico glares at him. _It was. It had to be._

"Well, get in the boat! I don't have all day to babysit wayward children of my employer."

o-o-o

She walks (floats?) with great trepidation up the beaten path to where the panel of judges sit, passing judgement over each soul. As the number in front of her shrinks, her fear grows, and she can't stop her body (spirit?) from trembling when she is the next in line.

"Nico di Angelo," intones the judge in the center. Her heart stops. It is King Minos, and he looks much like the cat that caught the canary as he sneers down at her.

The other two judges confer silently, while Minos continues to intimidate her with his stare. She sees her life flash before her eyes as the judges look it over. Their frowns don't do much to reassure her.

"Not much to see here," mumbles the first judge, looking bored.

"She aided the quest in the Labyrinth and freed the soul of Daedalus," says the second judge.

"Helped defend Camp Half-Blood, I suppose," the first judge says.

"Committed suicide, which means the Fields of Punishment," Minos cuts in. Her heart stops.

"Died very young, perhaps an exception can be made—" the second judge says, looking at her with some sympathy.

"No," Minos snarls. "It is the rule. All demigods who commit suicide go to the Fields of Punishment. It is the law, for they have turned their backs on the gods. They scorn their gifts and the precious life granted to them. They are no heroes, but cowards of the worst kind."

Nico opens her mouth to beg, to plead with them, to make them _understand_ the pain she's been through—but nothing comes out. What words could she use to convince them that she doesn't deserve this, when she doesn't believe it herself? She knows it's hopeless when the other two judges both shrug and look away, leaving Minos to deal out her sentence.

"Nico di Angelo, for committing suicide and failing to be a proper hero, you are hereby consigned to the Fields of Punishment for all eternity. Your punishment is to relive the last moments of your worthless life. Guards, take _him_ away!"

One final jab. Of course.

"Looks like _I_ had the last laugh, 'Ghost _Queen_,'" Minos taunts her as she is bound in chains and dragged away by the security ghouls.

o-o-o

Nico doesn't know how long it has been since she was brought here, reliving her suicide again and again without pause. Her mind is nearly shattered, for unlike the rest of the poor souls trapped here, she is a child of Hades, and she remembers _everything_. As she relives the agony and dies, again and again, only to be revived, again and again, she wonders if those driven insane still feel pain. She hopes not.

Her own sword stabs into her gut _again_ against her will, and she screams as it twists and turns inside her, tearing her apart. It hurts worse than it did in the mortal world, her pain enhanced by her own guilt and regret. Such is the cruelty of the Fields of Punishment. Such is the cruelty of Hades, her own father.

Her father…

"Hades!" she screams, and to her surprise, he appears before her.

"Child," he says tonelessly. "What do you want?" He raises his hand and for a moment, the torture stops, and she is able to breathe.

"S-save me from this," she begs. "Give me another chance—"

"I cannot." His face betraying no emotion, Hades lowers his hand, and her eyes widen in fear.

"W-why not?" she gasps as the pain returns with a vengeance. It takes all her willpower not to scream her lungs hoarse.

"You failed in your duty as a hero. This is the price you pay."

"F-father, _please_!" she begs, looking up at him, her face streaked with countless tears. He remains unmoved. It is the law, and if he feels the tiniest pang of sorrow for his poor daughter, what of it? He cannot—will not— give special treatment to his children, for even gods are not above the laws of their own making.

"You chose this, child. I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do." And with those words, Hades turns and vanishes in a flash of shadow, leaving her to her fate.

The pain burns worse than ever after that, because she finally realizes that no one is coming to save her. No one will ever come to save her. Not even Percy, if he even knows—or cares—that she's gone. Because that's…that's what a freak like her deserves.

To be alone.

**Forever.**


End file.
